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Subbute-d'oh!
There's an episode of The Simpsons where, after meeting his long lost brother who turns out to be the multi-millionaire owner of a motor company, Homer is asked to design the car for the common man. But ultimately ignoring the advice of the experts at his disposal, the end result is a monstrosity that no one would take seriously and which ruins the brother's company.
As they say life sometimes imitates art – or in this case animation - and the re-launch of Subbuteo could be seen to follow a similar course to the cartoon family’s mishaps. For Homer read Hasbro, for "car for the common man" read "new Subbuteo" and for "the end result is a monstrosity" read, well, "the end result is a monstrosity". As Homer would say, d'oh!
From an aesthetic viewpoint, the new figures – going under the title "Photo real Subbuteo" – are horrid. They look like the sort of toy you'd see on sale in a poundshop. The base is too chunky, akin to an oversized Subbuteo rugby player base from the 60s.
There is certainly no sculptured shape around rim to assist control and chipping. The figure on top – a miniature photo of a footballer from the Champions League – is too small and just looks tacky.
It has been suggested that Hasbro are aiming to make the figures collectable, with different coloured discs allowing players from different teams to be mixed and matched to form fantasy all-star line-ups.
But the figures look cheap and shabby compared with the football stickers of old, or the detailed Corinthian footballer figurines. New Subbuteo as a collectable item is unlikely to rival either.
The playability is also questionable. Three different types of bases are available, for three different actions. One is smooth around the outside, presumably for general play; another has dimples, to assist "dribbling" apparently; and the final one has horizontal ridges, maybe to enhance shooting. Who knows, because each type has little practical use.
The shapes of the bases actually hinder manoeuvrability and make it difficult to propel them to the desired destination using the modern, straight line, approach. It's not a matter of expertise, but rather inappropriately designed equipment.
The bases are good for spinning, excellent in fact, but the game has moved on since the days of flat figures and no polish. Chipping with the new bases is near enough impossible, unless you use a ping-pong ball.
Skill trainer accessories will be available as part of the new range, and regional skill centres will be established around the country – they'll be needed as even the great Willi Hoffmann would struggle to do anything useful with these new figures!
The smooth basic base is slightly more "flick friendly" than the others, but each have an imprint in the shape of a Subbuteo figure on the underside, which means that they can't be polished at all.
And that illustrates the problem with the new bases. Whilst Hasbro were drawing up their ideas, there can't have been any input from people who have actually played the game in any capacity, let alone at tournament level, else the fundamental requirements would be catered for.
And if the players were not consulted in the initial stages, and presumably won't be involved at any point, who will be the figureheads of the new game, competing in the showpiece, albeit promotional, tournaments?
Hasbro should have got the players on board, if only to seek their opinions. It seems that little real research was carried out. Ditto with testing, as the rather noticeable drawbacks in gameplay would have come to light before coming up with a final product.
It's as if a design department, used to dealing with general toys, were shown an old Subbuteo figure, and, without being given a real insight into the game, were told to make something fresh and "better" – new Subbuteo for a new generation.
Some thought has gone into it all, but like a ITV sitcom, you see the end result, and think to yourself how, after what research and consultation which would have taken place, with all the people involved in the creative process, how not one person, at any stage, took a step back, looked at where things were heading and pointed out: "this is crap".
There is undoubtedly a gap in the market for mass-produced, low priced bases that can be used in competitive Table Football, and Hasbro showed that they were able to provide for this with their "solid" bases of the mid-90s.
It is a shame therefore that, on what is effectively the last throw of the dice for “Subbuteo” to make a full scale commercial comeback, they go for something which will probably leave a negative long lasting memory with the general public.
The only good thing going for new Subbuteo is that it's a better interpretation of the traditional game than Hasbro's 2002 finger football… but only just.
Full sets will be on sale within the next month or so, but in the meantime, a taster penalty shoot-out set – 2 of the new figures, a ball, goalkeeper, a section of pitch and a goal – is available now as part of a Yorkie Easter Egg pack, priced at £4.99. For those willing to wait a little longer, there could be a lot of leftover stock at cut down price come Easter Monday.
Unlike Homer's car design, a poorly received re-launch of Subbuteo won't put Hasbro out of business. But for the serious Table Football players around the world, the cost of the lost opportunity to have the game marketed to a wider audience could be massive to its long-term prospects.
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